COVID 19 and Survivor’s Guilt

My husband Paul lost a very good friend recently. “Mr. Buck”, as I loved to call him, was the friend people wanted to have and aspired to be. He loved God, was a wise man, and was a true encourager. I would go so far as to say he kept Paul calm, especially during their years working together at Union Camp, and later on, International Paper. I became more familiar with Mr. Buck after he and Paul started working together again a few years ago at Hampton Farms. He hadn’t changed. He was still a loyal friend.

Mr. Buck contracted COVID sometime after Christmas. We prayed and assumed he would get better. After all, he was healthy as a horse. No illnesses, no meds, walked every day, you get the picture. Paul and I figured if we could survive COVID with everything we have going on, surely “Buck” would.

Then we started becoming more alarmed as we heard more and more news about his condition. Still, we prayed and were hopeful. Unfortunately, Buck didn’t survive this dreadful, awful disease and its accompanying maladies.

We are stunned and in disbelief. As people of Faith, we love our Creator. We KNOW He loves us and there is a plan for everyone. But if I am to be totally honest, part of me feels like this: He spared us but not Buck? Why?

I am not even thinking about the cliches people say when folks pass away. I’m thinking about raw guilt. Mr. Buck was a man of God and fulfilled a big role in so many people’s lives. He has been an angel to Team Pruden our whole adult lives. He has counseled, preached, encouraged, baked delicious cakes and pies for folks, and has just been a blessing to so many. And here I am, still back here, some days struggling not to cuss. Where is the rhyme and reason in that?

I know that as time goes on and I process my feelings more, I will probably experience less guilt about my post-COVID existence. But today, I will just spend some time pondering life and it’s many mysteries….

I have often wondered if there are other folks out there who feel the same as I do. If you do, feel free to comment below. I would love to hear your thoughts❤️

Mr. Buck, we miss you so much already. Thank you for being the exact friend I prayed for Paul to have. We will love you forever.

Peace and Blessings,

KP